Photo by “That’s Nice Photography” Fargo, ND
Everyone has had their heart broken, shattered in to pieces at least once in their lifetime. If you haven’t, and you happen to be sitting on your couch with your high school sweetheart sipping on wine on a Thursday night, catching Monday night’s Tivo’d episode of the Bachelor, as he is folding the laundry and the kids are tucked in bed… this may just be your entertainment for the week. For the rest of us, this tale is as old as time. Girl meets boy, girl falls in love, boy is a terrible human and breaks girls heart. Just kidding… this is just my story on how an amazing individual was just not the right fit for me and how the man upstairs may have had a different plan in mind.
As promised, I am sharing my life with you, heartbreaks and all. This post isn’t just about the single mom trying to find love and instead finds her self in the closet… again with wine and ice cream. This is where I began to appreciate my life and truly see all of my blessings.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am hard to please, stubborn, strong minded, easy to lose attention and always seeking a challenge. That applies to my dating life as well. You can just imagine how difficult it is to date me… In the past 10 years, 9 of which I have been a mother I have found myself wasting my time filling it with friends and partners that didn’t necessarily challenge or excite me. After getting divorced I faced a challenge of feeling like I needed someone to complete me. These people filled my time in between work and my random few weekends without my kids but I never felt like my life was more complete with them. I had a few relationships and ended up breaking a few hearts trying to figure out who I was and what my place was in this world.
This was all until I met whom I thought was the perfect man. I had decided to focus on my career and I wasn’t expecting to meet anyone. And just like that I met an attractive, intelligent, driven, independent and interesting individual. For the first time, I felt like the man I was dating had all his ducks in a row. He was prepared for the present and planned his life for the future. He easily charmed my family and friends and showed more than just a slight interest in my children. We shared a few interests and made enough time to keep doing the things we loved doing on our own. It seemed like time was flying by and we couldn’t get enough of each other.
Just like that when everything was going great I felt like I started sabotaging my relationship. What seemed like innocent questions like “who is she?,” and “who was that on the phone?,” translated to insecurity and mistrust. It wasn’t necessarily anything he did wrong, in fact he made a huge attempt in making me feel comfortable in my own skin. Some how for some reason I wouldn’t allow it to just sink in. Today, I feel as if I truly didn’t want to let it sink in because I had found comfort in my personal insecurities and didn’t leave much room to grow from that. As bickering turned to little fights we started to loose the passion and excitement of just getting to know each other. Our lives seemed to have merged as one, far too quickly. Our plans always seemed to include one another whether we liked it or not. Our relationship felt like we were suffocating one another. Looking back at the past, I now realize the person you are meant to be with should smoothly transition in to your life, a fairly seamless transition at least. Felling their presence and the ambiance they bring should feel like a blessing. Their contributions in conversation, emotional happiness and adventure should in fact give you joy. Not every second of every day but for a majority of the time you spend with them. (Keep in mind, I was stubborn in accepting that during this relationship and only realized that this was not the man for me when I met Jonathan months later.)
Soon the inevitable happened and he woke up one day and told me he just didn’t love me anymore. The words that can cut like a knife, and well… it did. You can just about imagine the dramatic response I gave him. This continued for a few weeks until we both let go. Aside from the initial heartbreak it was the weeks following that seemed to break me even more. You start asking yourself what you did wrong? Could you have avoided this fight? Could you have held in that insecurity and let it heal itself?
And then for me, I had a breaking moment where I decided I couldn’t let this break up define me as a person or the life I had built for myself. I am blessed to have two children who are a constant reminder of what is most important in my life. In between baseball and basketball practice, nights at the skate park, summer days at the beach and bed time stories I didn’t have too much time to sulk. It is in those following weeks I realized that dating has a funny way of fogging up your common sense. For me, as a mother, for years I found myself living many lives in my own. All the different parts of my life travelling in parallel lanes. I realized I was a mom and a girlfriend in two different lanes, hoping at some point they would intertwine. I had dated this individual who was so set, in his single man in his 30’s way of life that I would be disrupting everything that was set in stone for him. I was so blinded at the thought of finding someone that kept my interest that I forgot to remain somewhat grounded. I forgot that sometimes you can meet amazing people, that can treat you well, genuinely care for you, that are just not right for you. It can be timing, and not just the bumping into the attractive guy on the subway as your going opposite directions kind of timing, but timing like you have yet to grow out of your insecurities, find comfort in who are are and love the life you live. This was a tough realization for me, because it forced me to think about the fact that I may not find the right person at the right time… for a long time. As bitter and cynical as that sounds, it was something I had to honestly think about. I realized the next time I decided to share any part of me with someone I would have to be completely transparent. This is my life. Long days and even longer nights are common. Breakdowns and losing my cool happens more often than I would like to admit. Everything and everyone comes second to my children, and this is the life I fit best in.
Realizing all of this and deciding to own it was probably the best thing I could have done for myself. As ironic as this is, while I was learning to heal from this breakup and learning to grow, I ended up meeting Jonathan. In the time we have spent together I quickly learned that love is not always about the butterflies in your stomach feeling, although I still get them every time I see him. Love truly is about someone appreciating the person you are today and not the person you might become. It really is about enjoying each other, finding interest in their story, the paths they have taken in life, in love, in their careers and wanting to really be a part of what the future has in store for them. Jonathan has truly allowed himself to intertwine in the madness of my life in the most beautiful, possible way. It hasn’t been about finding someone that completes me anymore. Once I was broken I realized I had every piece to complete myself. The person that walked in to my life, only compliments the beauty in all of it. Today, I have that in a man who is not only my boyfriend but my best friend. Don’t get me wrong I am still the same stubborn, extremely impatient, sarcastic girl with way too much attitude. There are still days I lose it and want to strangle him. (In the most loving way possible of course ;)! The 1200 mile distance between us doesn’t help either, but I will have to say I am lucky to find a man that embraces the challenge and wakes up everyday willing to go another round ;).
This is my story on how I let a heart break truly break me and build me back up to an even stronger woman. I hope if you are going through a break up now, as cliche as this may sound, you will get through it and come out a stronger individual. Healing takes time, it is a tricky process. I am a firm believer of there being someone for everyone in this world. I also truly believe your best relationship will come when you have become the best person you can possible offer to someone. I mean if all else fails there is the wine and ice cream option 😉