https://stilettosinasandbox.blog/category/life/ <– Welcome 2020 Post
We all understand the concept of securing our sanity before we are able to assist our children. Or so we think we understand that concept. Think about the last time you took a flight and they mentioned the procedure for the oxygen mask. (I like to use this one a lot)
Securely place the mask over your face and breath normallly, the bag will provide oxygen even if it does not inflate. Secure your mask before helping a child.
If ever face with it, our natural instinct is to jump to help our children regardless of the state we are in. How likely are you able to mentally and physically attend to a child when you are not oay yourself?
As parents we tend to believe that every sacrifice for our child is a sacrifice worth making. Maybe it is engrained in us, maybe being not okay is just not okay. Or maybe it is; regardless if there is pressure surrounding us or not we tend to put pressure on ourselves.
Trauma is a tricky thing. It comes on when it feels like it is most inconvenient. When it is unplanned and unwanted. When we are inbetween soccer season, or when you are overwhelmed at work or your behind on bills. That leaves us feeling like we are a day late and a penny short. WE. WILL. ALL. EXPERIENCE. TRAUMA. At some point in our lives. In different ways, in different periods of our life and with different people.
But you are a mom right? There’s no time, space or money to have a meltdown. Well trauma doesn’t wait for the green light. So what happens when we get there? We deal.
For me, as a mother, that has looked so different over the course of my 11 years of parenting. Primarily, dealing,for so long looked like smiling when I felt like crying, showing up when I felt like hiding, working longer hours when my body needed a break and participating in even more activities when all I wanted to do was sleep. My dealing actually started feeling a lot like depression. Hold that thought…
[ dih-presh–uhn ] A mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.
By definition depression would pull me out of all of the things I was currently over working myself with. But being a mother didn’t allow me to do that. I had to be able to maneuver around this feeling without disturbing it or else it would get worse. So long as I ignored it, it couldn’t exist right? Wrong.
So many of us believe that asking for help is accepting defeat. Defeat that you are not a good parent, or you can’t handle being a mother or simply that you are weak.
This isn’t a race or a contest so defeat actually isn’t something we should be concerned about. Defeat looks all too scary when it comes to real life; it looks like giving up. This is our precious mind and with out it our body and spirit don’t seem to align just right.
So how do we keep going? What does help look like?
August of 2019, I fell into a depression, falling head first not knowing which way was up. Two days after I returned from a trip to California, a day after going car shopping with my fiance and the day before my children started school my world shattered. At least my world as I currently knew it. For the first few weeks I was dealing with it, like I have with just about any trauma, for over a decade. This is until I didn’t know how anymore. My body and mind collectively made the decision for me to stop trying to be okay and allow myself to just NOT BE OKAY. As you can imagine this isn’t pretty. It is messy, and painful. But for once I did something different. I asked for help. From anyone and everyone I could possibly think of. In these moments, I couldn’t be the mom I always aspired to be, but my children couldn’t loose a mother for even a week. But what I realized is that my children could gain a village. They could gain friends that were willing to take them to games, help with homework, watch football with them and be there while I slowly got back up.
Help looks like asking a friend to coffee. Talking to a therapist. Sitting with a journal and putting all that you are dealing with on paper. Asking a friend, parent or neighbor for help watching the kids. Dropping the kids off at a play date. Getting on your knees and praying to whomever or whatever that your heart beats to. Getting a massage and your nails done. And when you are tapped out of all of these resources, help looks like calling a local YWCA, women’s group and Facebook moms club. Fact is you are not alone. You are not the only one that feels this overwhelming feeling that you are not able to keep going. And then when you least expect it, there is a magic in this world that when you ask for help, the right people start to show up.
Help looks like anything other than what you are doing right now by keeping it all in. That is not dealing, that is feeding your trauma. I fed mine too long and a beast gets hungry when you don’t feed it.
So my unsolicited advice, is ASK FOR HELP. Everyone, at one point or another, will need it. Your vulnerability to ask first only paves the path for someone else to seek help at some point as well.
*Please note, every blog I write is written with heart, to share with you how I navigate through my life. This is only proven for myself but I hope it can help you overcome something in your life.*