That Decade Old Bucket List

So this past week I celebrated my 28th Birthday! I swear I was blowing out my 22 birthday candles, blinked, and my 28th Birthday on Friday, April 20th, 2018 happened. Not any special birthday milestone for most people, nothing like buying my first car on my 18th birthday or shots off the bar at The Hub on ladies night for my 21st. However insignificant a 28th birthday can be to the average adult, this birthday for me, by far was probably the toughest to come up on. Aside from real wrinkles starting to set in and getting tired after a few flights of stairs (HAHA…) I really had a hard time in the weeks prior to my birthday.

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I felt a slight sense of depression coming upon me. I am a firm believer that depression is partially due to being ungrateful. Disagree with me if you must but remember, this is my platform for expressing my opinions so that I will do. I try steering away from “getting depressed” about life circumstances and challenges by comparing the blessings I fail to recognize daily to the misfortunes that others may have. Seems shitty I know, but I truly look at it in a “be grateful for what you have” aspect. Somehow I missed that train for the past couple of weeks. It must have chu chu’d right past my stop.

In the stress of resigning from my current job, applying and interviewing for new jobs, planning and prepping my children’s upcoming schooling and sports, I lost sight of where I am heading.

I am a 28 year old, single (soon to change; Jonathan’s planning on helping with laundry on the weekends!), self sufficient, independent, working mom of two boys. Right? Right. Well… restarting a career, relocating your family, finding a new home, new friends and new lifestyle can be quite a curve ball that takes you right off the straight path.

For months Jonathan and I talked about one of us moving and goals we had in our careers and relationships. The time had come and we made the choice for me to relocate. Just in time for me to find my 10 year high school reunion bucket list. “Own the car I am currently driving, own a home that I am living in and make $100,000 annual salary.” I also found a page in my scrapbook with a high school graduation picture and a note to myself promising to be the best parent I could possibly be to the baby I was carrying. For the past 8 weeks my bucket list just ate at me. I am so close to crossing everything off the list. Am I just going to stop everything, right now? And just move?

Being a city girl, living in small town Minnesota or North Dakota was not going to be my life plan. I knew in my heart that this move to Austin would make me so happy, fulfill my needs to further my career and offer my children so many more opportunities in education and sports. But I couldn’t help but think that I had failed myself by not reaching the goals I was so sure and so close to reaching. I was absolutely fixated on my bucket list that my unknowing, immature, too soon to be a mom, 18 year old self had made 10 years ago.

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And then it hit me as I was packing up boxes last week, sorting through more pictures from my senior year of high school. I came across that graduation picture again. I had promised to be the best mother I possibly could be to my child. I could have been a lot of things at 18. Obviously making bad decisions was my specialty at the time, but single and a mother was going to be all too new to me. However, out of all the decisions I could have made, I chose to be a damn good mom. I have always put my children first, worked my ass off from the bottom to the top, crushed every obstacle in my way and given them a life that most children dream of. They have traveled, experienced life, culture, friendships and love that most people don’t see in a lifetime. I have raised kind, genuine, loving, caring human beings that always put others first. And if that wasn’t a blessing enough, through 10 years of relationships in my adult life I was sent a partner who has not only become my best friend but it willing to go through the rest of his life parenting, loving and caring for my children and myself. This all only adds to the countless amounts of relationships I have made with friends and coworkers and my amazing family. (Cheers to my girl gang for a wine night and card games on my birthday!)

There it is! The silver lining right before the depression tries to grab popcorn, take a front row seat and get comfortable. I have, in my life, the most valuable components to happiness. I have two studs for children, a supporting family, amazing friends and a loving boyfriend. I am making a ridiculous payment on a Buick Verano (yes I know your grandma drives the same car as me), I just signed a lease with an even more ridiculous amount on rent and I just let go of an amazing position at the top of my career. Let us just go ahead and call this chapter a huge leap of faith! Faith that sometimes there is no timeline on your goals. There is no set date on finding true happiness. Love doesn’t know timing and certainly doesn’t present itself when you are looking for it. There is no life meter measuring your successes and failures and as Notebook as this may sound, sometimes you just have to follow your heart.

So to anyone that is coming up on a milestone or personal significant birthday, take that ‘glass half full’ approach. Count your blessings for what they are worth and enjoy every day that you are living. I’ve heard that the other option isn’t ideal.

As always, thank you for being a part of StilettosInASandbox, I appreciate all of you that are following. Feel free to reach out, I would love to hear your feedback!

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